So the punchline for all you REAL plumbers….

Yeah, I decided I should be blogging this saga.

December 30

• Discovered warped laminate floating floor with audible standing water underneath.
• Discovered water heater leaking from some kind of thingy at the bottom.
• Google told me that said “thingy” is the drain valve, through which I may or may not need to actually drain 40 gallons of water. 
• Learned that perhaps all I need to do is simply (*cough*) replace the crappy plastic drain valve.
• Called mommy and daddy. 
• Went to bar, leaving a sponge inside of a bowl to catch the leak.

December 31

• Returned home and emptied the bowl.
• Thanked Kyrie for getting up every hour all night long to empty the bowl. 
• Spent the morning at local DIY stores locating a replacement drain valve.
• Came home and attempted to drain HWH via garden hose because I didn’t quite trust the instructions for changing the drain valve with the tank full. 
• Gave up on emptying HWH after getting maybe a half gallon to drain into the yard in 20 minutes- the instructions I had didn’t mention venting via the TPR, only via opening a hot water faucet. 
• Explained how we’d basically be “putting our finger on a straw full of water” in order to convince Kyrie to help me change the valve without emptying the tank. 
• Prepared ourselves for major soaking. Created vacuum in the tank, took a deep breath and attempted to remove old leaky drain with a pipe wrench once we realized we were, in fact, not drowning. 
• Decided I am a weakling, and let Kyrie give it a whirl. 
• Decided that despite Kyrie’s efforts, it wasn’t going to budge. 
• Sealed off leaky plastic valve with garden hose and ran it to the washing machine for overnight draining. 
• Restored water supply to house. 
• Read everything there is to know about ball valves, crappy plastic drain valves, how gas water heaters work, flushing, cleaning, draining…. in other words, I obsessed, as usual. 

January 1

• Continued to obsess while stores remained closed.  

January 2

• Worked all day. Obsessed some more.

January 3

• Still determined not to spend more than $20 to fix this problem, I enlisted the help of a stronger friend.
• Went through shutting down the burner, turning off water supply, creating the vacuum, and preparing to change the drain. 
• Loosened crappy plastic drain valve. Too far. It came off of the metal pipe fitting it screws onto. I make a mental note of this, and we carried on. 
• Friend not stronger enough.
• Attempted to loosen drain pipe with WD40.
• Decided WD40 is not very smart next to lit Pilot Light.
• Managed to jam white plastic piece of crap back onto metal part and tighten it to a slow leak. 
• Put bowls into place and go pick up kids from school. 
• Admitted defeat. Made phone call to plumber acquaintance and explained the gist - need new drain valve, already have the part, just can’t unscrew the old one to get it out. He agrees to come tomorrow to take a look. 
• Call daughter to make sure house is not on fire after reading @joethepeacock’s post. 
• I’m stubborn. I think about that metal pipe all through car line. Decided that I will just attach the ball valve and a 2” nipple directly to that pipe with teflon tape and a smile. 
• Envisioned the proud moment when I can call David and tell him, “oh no worries! I’ve got it all fixed up, better than ever!”
• Proceeded to Home Depot where there was (no joke) a major run on new water heaters - two of them presented to customers who also had a AWESOME New Years’ Weekends. 
• Located a ball valve, but it’s a compression fitting. Asked for help. 
• Nodded as HD employee asserted that this won’t work. Convinced him to help me find the threaded ball valve anyway. 
• Explained to HD Guy that I now just need a “connector” (I forgot the word, “nipple” GO FIGURE) to attach my hose to drain it when I need to in the future. 
• HD Guy walked over to the nipples and mumbled something about nipples and I’m all “YES! NIPPLES! That’s what I need!” so he gave me (overkill!) a .75”x 4” nipple and I’m off to feel smug and important. 

Later that evening…

• I come home. Since the water is still off, I decide there is no need to do any further preparation from my last “opening of the drain!”
• I teflon tape the nipple, and I make sure the ball valve is in the closed position. It has female threads, so I can’t pre-teflon tape it, but I get my teflon tape ready for the male end of the pipe that resides in the water heater. 
• I then rush headlong into unscrewing the useless piece of plastic from the pipe, I pop it out. 
• I am immediately soaked by a gush of water. I laugh, and put my hand over the end of the gushing pipe. 
• Obviously somebody “poked a hole” in my “straw” (my guess is someone flushed a toilet while I was gone, allowing air into the WH tank and breaking the vacuum). 
• I mop up the splash with my readily available beach towel, and I grab the teflon tape. 
• I manage to soak myself several more times as I tape the threads on the male pipe, but I’m beginning to feel a spark of triumph as I reach for the ball valve.
• I prepare myself for the gush of water that will ensue in the brief moment it takes me to remove my hand and screw on the ball valve, and then I go for it.

and then?

• It doesn’t screw onto the pipe. I assume that in haste I’ve just cross threaded a bit, I back off (and get soaked) and try again. No luck. I try again for good measure… each time, getting a blast of warm water.
• I quit trying. I sit with my hand clamped over the pipe while reaching around and locating a tape measure (which I now know was useless). I measure the end of the pipe (and get a little wetter for my effort, of course!) and decide it’s just a SMIDGE too big, so I must need a ball valve that’s the “next size up.”
• I jam the white plastic piece of crap valve back onto the pipe, tighten it down to a slow drip and put the bowl in place. 
• I drive back to Home Depot, return the ¾” ball valve and nipple, and they are out of 1” ball valve so I head to Lowes. 
• Lowes has a 1” PVC valve. Its…. huge. I can tell it’s not right, but there is nothing in between. I spend a good 40 minutes screwing things into other things and staring down the business end of pipes and ball valves. 
• I explain my dilemma to a Lowes guy, and I say, “I guess this pipe is just some kind of non-standard pipe or something!” and he insists that it’s surely not, that it’s gotta be ¾” pipe. 
• Then he is ever so helpful, telling me I could, you know, just replace the entire drain with this here plastic drain from Lowes!
• I leave with a heavy heart, a 1” PVC ball valve, and a ¾” PVC ball valve, thinking perhaps the softer PVC might, somehow, fit onto my pipe.

but…

• It doesn’t. There was more water involved. 

and then…

• I learned all about NPT. NPS. IPS. IPT. Even BSPT and BSPP, and yes, even NST/NH. 

So, the punchline for all you REAL plumbers out there is, I’m pretty sure I’ve got a ¾” NPS Male pipe stuck in my water heater, and I’m all trying to arrange a booty call with a ¾” NPT female ball valve, and I don’t even have a CLUE what Schedule either of them are!

HA HA HA HA HA HA.